Holding the Weight of This Moment
The pain of sexual assault is something most women I know, know. Whether through our own experiences or the experiences of people we love, we've been trained our whole lives to "keep ourselves safe" from men who might harm us.
We've been taught to cover our drinks at the bar. To walk with a friend. To text someone after a night out so they know we got home okay. To make sure what we're wearing isn't inadvertently asking for "the wrong kind of attention."
Honestly, it's so ingrained that, for most of my life, I never questioned it. I didn't think much about how strange it is to put the responsibility for assault on the person who is harmed rather than the person who does the harm, until the late nineties, when I was a women and gender studies major at UNL.
Naming the Patriarchy
That was when I first heard the idea of "the patriarchy."
It was absolutely maddening to see the structures that had been built around me, structures I'd been born into, designed to keep me, as a woman, small and bound to specific roles and expectations.
It was even more maddening to realize I hadn't really questioned any of it. That I'd played along, even. Back then, I was happy to be a "guy's girl." Happy to see other women as somehow less than my male friends. Sexist jokes? I laughed along. Devaluing women simply for being women? I absolutely took part in it.
I had attached myself to an identity built on being pleasing to men. I didn't realize I was doing it at the time, at least not consciously. But looking back, that was absolutely the case.
Unlearning Is a Practice
Once I started noticing, I started making changes. It didn't happen quickly. The internalized misogyny, sexism, and patriarchal views of myself and other women have taken a long time to untangle, and I still catch myself talking to myself through that old lens.
When I do, thanks to IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy, I can meet that part of me with a lot more compassion than I used to. I remind myself that even after all these years, this is always a practice.
Why This Moment Hurts
I wanted to write about this to shed some light on how complex the impact of this moment is: the Cornell case in the news right now, and this particular time in our nation's history.
Yet again, women are being shown that white men with a certain amount of power, money, and status can often avoid consequences because of the boys' club that runs through our culture. A man accused of sexual assault was confirmed to the Supreme Court. A man found liable for sexual abuse in civil court was elected President of the United States. People voted for that. They gave them these positions.
It made me think about the many people in that fraternity group chat who, according to the lawsuit, saw what was happening and did nothing to stop it. To me, their silence is a form of complicity. So are the votes that said "yes" to the current administration. Both feed a culture that keeps blaming women instead of holding men accountable.
People of all genders make choices every day that either challenge or continue the patriarchal ideals that have shaped this country since the beginning. And right now, it feels like a never-ending slap in the face.
Holding Space, and Holding Myself
As a mental health therapist, collective moments like this are painful and hard. I walk a line between holding space for my clients as they process how this is affecting them, and tending to my own nervous system's response to this time in history.
It's hard. It's painful, and it's really exhausting. I'm grateful to walk beside so many thoughtful, caring people in my office every day, and I'm also feeling a lot of grief for our collective consciousness. I'm doing my best to keep boundaries around social media so I don't get swallowed whole by how much pain I'm witnessing, and how often.
If You're Struggling Right Now
If it's hard to breathe right now, please give yourself permission to take a break.
Go outside and look at the leaves glowing gold in the mountains.
Feel your feet on the ground. Look around and notice the space you're in, then take a few slow breaths.
Surround yourself with soft things, and with people you trust to process with.
We're all in this together.
